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“I thought I was a social outcast.

But that changed one night in 1989.”

“我以为全世界只有我一个人是这样的，

一个人在那里苦苦地挣扎。

突然间，出现了另外一个人，原来自己并不孤单。

还有人和我一样。”

 Ashan 阿山

这是一位老年同志的一生。

人在回忆的时候，仿佛又活了一次。

It wasn’t just love, it was also an awakening.

爱之临在 真我觉醒

“On one night in 1989, the sky had a violet hue. I didn’t realize at first, but I was walking around a popular cruising spot. A young man came up to me, his face tender as the deep velvet night. 

He glanced at me and our eyes met, it was as if we shared a common heartbeat. He asked my phone number. I gave it to him, and he gave me his. Thinking about it, we were pretty brave. That year, I was 35, and he was 25. Secretly, we had an emotional bond. After I met him, I knew one thing for sure. I was gay, and so was he. 

One year later, it was all over. He was going to marry a woman. There was nothing I could do. But I knew that our love would live on, in my memories.”

Ashan falls silent, his face reddening. 

“1989年，北京。

那是一个夜晚，月亮梦似的挂起。我在“渔场”，和一个年轻人，不期而遇。他的面庞，像一首小夜曲。

说不清是吸引力作怪，还是生理反应，我们互留了单位的电话。那年，我35岁，他25岁。认识他后，我才知道，我是同志，他也是同志。

一年后，这段感情告终。因为他要结婚。我提不出任何反对的理由。只能把他，记在心里。爱就是有一个你可以牵挂的人。”

阿山回忆着，平静的脸上，生起一丝波澜。

In the early 21st century, the Internet boom provided gay men and women new ways of reaching out to the gay community, leading to a decline in cruising spots. 

“渔场”，是早年同志群体对交往地点的隐晦称法。随着互联网的普及，同志多了一个交往的渠道。较早的“渔场”相继衰落。

In 1993, Ashan left Beijing for Guangzhou. He met several men through the Internet, but he didn’t find love. Now he is 63, he is still single and lives on his own. 

1993年，阿山离开北京，回到广州。在网上谈了几位“朋友”，但都以分手告终。至今，没有再谈恋爱，63岁的他孑然一身。

“The days on my own, were free but lonely. In 2008, I retired. I joined a voluntary organization in Guangzhou called PFLAG China, a group that provides services and information to the LGBT community along with their families and friends. In 2014, I took on a project to gather the oral history of Guangzhou’s older gay population, looking at men aged 60 to 90. I hope with the records I make, people can better understand the recent history of the LGBT community, and their stories can inspire younger generations. Because life influences life, we are connected, blood by blood. Through recording these stories, I was not just hearing the story of a single person. This was what struck me most about the power of oral history.”

“孤单的日子无以遣怀。2008年退休后，我加入了广州同性恋亲友会小组。随着年龄增加，感到老年同志们面临许多问题。因机缘巧合，2014年下半年，我开始着手广州老年男同志口述史的项目。主要记录60岁以上的男同故事。希望借此，人们可以了解深藏‘柜’中的岁月人生。也希望青年人能由此受到启迪。因为生命是会影响生命的，在这些故事中，我们认识的不单单是一个生命个体。这是口述历史带给我最大的震撼。”

However, things haven’t gone smoothly. In the past two years, only 7 out of 50 accepted their interview. Ashan said, most of them were afraid of being exposed, and of their families finding out.

然而，即使在同性恋“去病化”的今天，愿意被采访的老年同志仍少之又少。两年里，阿山和志愿者接触了50多位老年男同志，但是目前接受采访的只有7位。阿山说，这些人大多有自己的家庭，不愿意在曝光中受到二次伤害。

In June 2014, the first oral history work of older Chinese gay generations was written by Dr. Jiang Shaoqi, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Hong Kong. According to Ashan, in mainland cities like Beijing, Shanghai and Guangzhou, some LGBT groups have also produced works of oral history. But Ashan is the first to begin a study focused on older gay generations in the Chinese mainland. 

2014年6月，香港大学社会学系副教授江绍祺博士，出版了香港第一部年长男同志口述历史著述《男男正传》。阿山说，在国内大陆，北京、上海、广州等城市也在近几年做过对男同志或女同志的口述项目，但是专门针对老年男同志口述史的，他却是第一个发起人。

“The life that we want” 

往日之日无可追 理想生活尤可待

Reflecting on the uncertainty of his adolescence, Ashan recalls: 

提起对自我同志身份的认同，阿山回忆道：

“I had feelings for other boys at the age of six. I didn’t know why I felt that way, there was no information I could find about it.  Later on I read a book, which defined it as perverted. 

I never dated a girl until I was 28, after I finished my post-graduate studies and worked in Beijing. Some colleagues introduced girls to me. I thought it was right to find a woman to marry and settle down. I just felt that that was what everyone should do. 

However, while making friends with girls was nice, having affection for them was beyond me.  I still want to spend my life with someone I truly love. 

Many older gay men said, if society was more tolerant, they would’t have had to marry women. But they did, and the pain that caused lived on forever.”

“六七岁的时候，我就会对身边的男孩子萌生好感。但不知为何。也没有相关的知识和教育。后来看到书上，把这定义为变态。

20多年，没有主动追求过女孩子。直到28岁，我在北京读研毕业。在同事的介绍下，开始和女孩子交往。‘男大当婚，女大当嫁’，我也觉得，人人都应该走这条路。

我并不排斥和女性交往，可是面对她们，我的内心难以激起爱欲。于我是身心的折磨，于她们亦不公平。我始终觉得，人，应该找一个自己爱的人共度余生。

很多老年人说，如果当时社会能多一些包容，便不会步入婚姻。因为，要不断地去符合主流社会的期望，这是比死还残忍的一种折磨与煎熬。”

In human history, acknowledgement and acceptance of the LGBT population has been a painstaking process: 

对性少数群体的认知，在人类历史上都经历了一个漫长的过程：

In the 1950s and 60s, homosexuality was criminalized and regarded as a mental illness in many countries, including the UK, US and Germany. 

在上世纪五六十年代，同性恋现象被普遍认为是刑事犯罪，其中包括英国、美国和德国等国家。

In 1990, the World Health Organization (WHO) removed homosexuality from their list of mental disorders. 

1990年，世界卫生组织将“同性恋”从精神疾病诊断中去除。

In 1997, in the modified ‘Criminal Law’, China deleted an item that regarded homosexuality as “hooliganism,” marking its decriminalization in China. 

1997年，中国新《刑法》删除了过去被用于惩处某些同性恋性行为的流氓罪，这被认为是中国同性恋非刑事化的一个标志。

In April, 2001, the CCMD-III (Chinese Classification and Diagnosis of Mental Diseases – third edition) removed homosexuality from its list of mental illnesses.

2001年4月，第三版《中国精神障碍分类与诊断标准》把同性恋从精神疾病名单中剔除，实现了中国同性恋非病理化。

In 2012, WHO clarified that homosexuality is not an illness and that is a natural and non-pathological variation of human sexuality. It has also made clear that sexual orientation cannot be changed. Attempts to forcibly change the sexual orientation of lesbian, gay and bisexual persons are ineffective, harmful and may amount to torture. 

2012年，世界卫生组织发表声明《为一种不存在的疾病治疗》：不是疾病无需治，没有科学依据，治疗威胁身体精神健康，各地政府需要惩治治疗机构。

According to Pew Research Center, as of 2017, gay marriage is recognized in 23 countries worldwide. However, based on statistics reported by BBC, at least 76 countries still treat homosexuality as a crime, most of which are distributed in Africa, the Middle East and South Asia. 

根据美国皮尤研究中心2015年6月的一份报告，目前全球至少有23个国家承认同性婚姻合法化。根据BBC的统计，法律认为同性恋违法的国家全球有76个，它们普遍分布于非洲、中东及南亚等地区。

According to gay dating app Blued, there were around 69 million homosexuals in China in 2015, accounting for five percent of the total population. With China’s aging society, the LGBT population is worried about who will care for them in old age, especially single gay and elderly people like Ashan.

2015年，根据同志社交软件Blued的统计，全国有同性恋者6900万，占总人口比重约5%，即每20位人口中就有1位是同志朋友。随着人口老龄化进程不断加快，同性恋群体也面临着养老问题，尤其是像阿山这样单身的同志。

“There will be more and more people who rely on society to support them in their old age. For members of the LGBT community, there is a common concern that staff in care homes will not treat them so well after knowing their sexualities. So some friends have suggested establishing a residential home just for LGBT people. But personally, I don’t think it’s appropriate to isolate the LGBT community from society. I still hope I can find a person I love, and that we can accompany each other. But it’s hard to know. So I hope I can participate in more social activities when I have the chance, to really live my life.”

阿山说：“按照我们国家现在的一个状况，会有越来越多的人依靠社会养老。作为性少数朋友，当他年老时，因为担心社会环境并不是每一个情境下都很友好，所以担心医护人员在知道自己是同志后会有不友好的做法。有一些朋友提议，是否可以做一个彩虹养老院。但是从我个人来讲，我不太同意同志人群把自己和社会隔离开来。因为人与人之间需要建立一种亲密的关系，需要情感的交流。我个人还是希望能够遇到一个喜欢的人，互相陪伴。但是这是很难预料的。我希望在自己有能力的时候，多参与一些社会活动，让自己的生活内容有意义。” 

Ashan always wears a smile. He loves to be with his friends, photographing, traveling, seeing movies, watching the classical dramas… As the years have passed, he keeps a heart that is young and at ease. 

阿山总是面带微笑。平日里，他喜欢和朋友们聚在一起，参加各种各样的活动，摄影、旅游、看电影、听经典戏剧…在流转的岁月中，保持着一颗年轻从容的心。

Now aged 63, Ashan has a whole life to look back on.

He considers what could have been. 

“If I could live again —— 

I wish we could discuss the problems we had without fear.

I wish we could get a foot in the door of society. 

Every man is an independent individual.

Each has his troubles and problems to overcome. 

We respect ourselves, and also respect others. 

I wish that, without restraint,  

We could all pursue the life that we want.”

人生一世，草木一春。假如生活可以重来，阿山说 —— 

“如果人生能够重来，

我希望在我年轻的时候，能坦然讨论面临的问题。

能够在社会中找到自己的位置。

每一个人都是独立的存在。

有自己的苦难，和需要克服的问题。

尊重自己，也要尊重他人。

希望我们都能在更少外界阻力的情况下，

追求自己想要的生活。”

文献参考：

1.Out of DSM: Depathologizing Homosexuality, Jack Drescher, 2015 Dec 4, NCBI (National Center of Biotechnology Information) 

2.WHO/PAHO (2012), “Cures” for an illness that does not exist, Washington DC, United States. 

3.Proposed declassification of disease categories related to sexual orientation in the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD-11), WHO, 2014

根据“Creative Commons Attribution”许可 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/) 使用Kevin MacLeod创作的歌曲“Anamalie”

来源：http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/index.html?isrc=USUAN1500007

艺术家：http://incompetech.com/

往期回顾：

他是乱世孤儿，88岁了仍在城市过着原始生活 | Living raw on the city fringes

这世界只对漂亮的人温柔吗？| A better self? Girls seek beauty under knife

爱是永无止息 | Till death do us part

七分之一的榫卯艺术 | Reproducing Ming-era heritage

“疯狂的面包”| Bake on track: Mental patients run bakery in Beijing